As Long As I Live
by ylilnoissap
Summary: Eleven years after Will left his only love, things have changed. He's married, unhappily, and has an even more pressing problems... My first FF!
1. Strange Beginnings

Will sighed, shaving the stubble from his cheeks and washing white cream off with a dark green washcloth. He studied the dark circles under his eyes, the result of his late nights at the Oxford Library, trying to find that one morsel of information that had escaped his grasp for so long. A sound from the adjoining bedroom wakened him from his contemplative state. A soft, silky voice called out over the sound of the morning, "Up already, Will-chan?"  
  
At the name 'Will-chan' he visible flinched, but shook it off and responded, "Yes, Kasumi, I've been up for a while." Up for eleven years. "Having trouble sleeping again?" she asked quizzically, a worried tone creeping slowly into her voice. I haven't ever really been able to sleep since... I worry that I might dream of her... and let all my emotions come flying out... "Yeah, but it's probably all the stress from work. Nothing to worry about. Except the fact I'll never really love you. I never have. I never will.  
  
The mint-fresh smell of his shaving cream lingered in the air as he pulled on a crisp white shirt, black suit pants, and a red striped tie. Izumino Kasumi, his wife of four years, lay in bed, lean body still covered by the floral blankets that protected her from the ice-cold air. He sighed once more, knowing that one in this world could never do better than Kasumi. One in this world...  
  
He kissed her roughly on the cheek, and headed downstairs. Mary sat at the kitchen table, a piece of toast in one hand, a crinkled newspaper in the other. Will sat down in the seat across from her, and picked up another piece of toast from the plate in front of him. Mary glanced clandestinely at the stairwell, then, bending over the table, whispered, "So, have you found it yet?" He jerked his head up, eyes wide in horror. She knows?! "Wha.. What?" he stammered nervously, twisting his linen napkin with an aggravated fervor. "Her daemon, of course!" Will dropped the napkin in relief, and responded shakily. "Oh, uh..yes. It's a rabbit." he lied desperately. "A rabbit? Oh, how cute!" Mary said, an almost child-like sense overtaking her. "Even after all these years, I still have trouble seeing other people's daemons," she admitted, sorrow in her voice. "But, at least I have my Daichi," she said, and looked over towards the window at something Will couldn't see. Something I'll never see again.  
  
God, what I would give to see them again. My Lyra... and my Kirjava. I'll never see either again...  
  
He swallowed the last bit of his toast, and stood up, wiping off the crumbs that marked his suit. "I'm off to work, Mary. Give Kasumi my love, and remember. Tomorrow's Midsummer's Day." Tomorrow.. "Alright, Will. See you tonight," she responded, head now buried in the personals section. Will thrust open the front door of his late mothers house, and was encased by the scent of the wheel tree, the mulefa's gift to Mary before their departure. He trotted down the steps, and headed towards the bus stop.  
  
He was on a mission.  
  
He had to find his Lyra and his Kirjava again.  
  
No matter the cost. 


	2. Change of Plans

Change of Plans  
  
Will wandered down the street, barely avoiding a passing skateboarder. To tell the truth, he hadn't been paying attention to the world around him lately. ~The same as every year.~  
  
~Every year, when that day comes around, _it_ gets worse. Every year, I miss them both more.~  
  
As he reached the bus stop, he made a decision. Laying his briefcase on the ground, he pulled out a small cell phone and dialed. After three rings, his secretary Annette Sytane picked up. "Hello, River Mount, Inc. This is the office of Will ----. How may I help you?" Her voice was prim and sharp, though the woman herself was actually very good-hearted. "Anty? It's Will. I won't be in today." "Again? This happens every year!" she whined with an exasperated sigh. "Yes, again. Make up an excuse for me?" "Of course. I always do." He grinned, the first in almost a week, and then ended the conversation with a brief goodbye. He headed toward the Botanic Garden. ~One day left.~  
  
He passed by the path that led to _their_ seat without hardly a glance. That was only for Midsummer's day. Instead, he settled on the side of a crystal-clear fountain, it's waters cool and refreshing in the sun's heat. He stared at it for a few moments, clearing his mind. He had decided to sit and clear his head, for as long as it took.  
  
He needed it.  
  
~Ok. All right. Mmmmhhhh. This isn't getting me anywhere. Ok, I'll sort it all... Chronologically. At least I can rationalize that way.~  
  
~Lyra. Oh, god, Lyra. I still remember the way her hot, mossy breath felt. The way her eyes shone when we talked. The feel of her kiss.~  
  
~It must have been right after that that I stopped seeing them. The dæmons, that is. I can't be sure, it didn't happen all at one. First she was gone once in a while, which seemed normal. But then, finally, she just never came back.~  
  
~Either that, or she disappeared. Which is probably most likely, although, since I can't see any of them anymore, I don't really know. For all I know, she could be her with me right now, sitting next to me, or on my lap...~  
  
He moved his hand to his lap absentmindedly, hoping, wishing for some sign from his beloved Kivjara, but receiving none. He sighed, then dropped his hand back next to him on the fountain-seat.  
  
~What caused it? Or who? Will I ever be able to see them again?~  
  
~Well, at least I managed to cover with Mary this morning. That was close. I decided a long time ago not to let her know, and I have to keep true to my promise.~  
  
~Lovely Kasumi _would_ probably have a rabbit. She's so quiet and shy, but very cute. Of course, nothing like Lyra...~  
  
~Stop it! I promised her never to compare her to anyone else. I promised!~  
  
~I'll bet Lyra never really expected me to get married anyway. Well, I didn't either. Sure, I liked Kasumi. She _is_ beautiful. But I really wasn't ready for that surprise proposal. I didn't realize she loved me that much. What else could I do?~  
  
A little voice in his subconscious whispered, "Say no... no..." but he shook it off.  
  
~One day left. I dread these meetings. I absolutely cannot live without them, but I dread them the same. Just knowing that after the hour has passed we are no longer together rips my heart into a thousand pieces.~  
  
~One day left. One day left. One day left.   
One day left.   
One day left.   
One day left...~ 


	3. Her Side of the Coin

Her Side of the Coin by passionlily (8/17/02)  
~~~~~~~~~~  
AN: I profusely apologize for my lack of writing in the last months... I have been on many vacations, plus I had a bit of a Sailor Moon writing spree, so all other stories were put off for a while. ^-^;; Once again, I apologize, and I promise to write more, in less time. And if you really want a new chapter, email me suggestions. That's the only way I can promise to write: if inspiration hits. Thanks to Animagus-Steph, who suggested I write from Lyra's POV. That's what inspired this chapter. Ta, all. ~Lily  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Is he any better, dear?" Mme Ralf asked, and studied Lyra's face closely. Her sister, Dame Hannah, had told her some of this young woman's strange past, but the fact that she and her daemon were able to separate... It was, to say the least, perplexing.  
  
Lyra's mouth was drawn, and she looked drained. "That's why I came to you, Mme Ralf. He... he still won't say a word. He cries all night, and we can never sleep. It's affecting me as well. I haven't been able to read the alethiometer for months. I can't keep up with my studies..." She rubbed her temple, obviously pained. "I just... I don't know what to do."  
  
"Well, then, that's it. We're scheduling a meeting with Hannah," Mme Ralf said firmly, and rang for one of her pupils.  
  
"No! Mme Ralf, I don't want to bother her..." Lyra protested halfheartedly, but shrunk back as Mme Ralf replied. "No? Lyra, this has been going on for a year now! It's affecting your studies, it's affecting your health, it's affecting *you*. We are getting Dame Hannah, and she is going to help you."  
  
She turned to the girl who had just arrived in her office, one of Lyra's classmates and her dearest friend. "Reika, dear, will you please take Lyra to the dorms to pick up Pantalaimon, then to the Dame?"  
  
Reika responded respectfully, "Certainly, Mme Ralf." She then turned to Lyra, and with a wink, headed out of the room. Lyra followed, shutting the door behind her.  
  
"Reika, praise the gods it was you who answered Mme Ralf's ring. If it had been anyone else, I would have had to explain why my daemon was not with me... that would have been a nightmare," Lyra confided, obviously relieved.  
  
Reika grinned. "Hey, what are best friends for, right? But, come on now, Lyra. What's wrong with him?"  
  
"I don't know! But he's been all moody for a year, and he still won't talk to anyone. Mme Ralf's making me go tell Dame Hannah."  
  
"Why haven't you told her yet?"  
  
"I don't want to bother her with these things! It seems so trivial..."  
  
"It's not, Lyra. He might be sick!"  
  
There was silence as they approached the dorm rooms. Lyra ran to her bed, where Pantalaimon lay sobbing. She picked him up gently, and headed back to the door where Reika waited.  
  
"Poor guy. What a wreck!" she commented, and pursed her lips sympathetically.  
  
"I know," Lyra responded, and patted his head carefully. "Let's just hope Dame Hannah can help."  
  
"Yeah. Hey, have you started that report for Human Sciences yet?"  
  
The rest of their walk consisted of mindless chatter, neither one really paying attention. As they neared the Dame's office, Reika turned to Lyra. "Good luck, best friend," she said, and gave her an impulsive, worried hug.  
  
Lyra smiled, but it seemed somehow faked. "Thank you, Reika. I'm sure it's nothing."  
  
As Reika returned to class, Lyra faced the massive oak door. Taking a deep breath, she reached for the door knocker. As the sound of its pounding echoed from the halls, another sound came from inside the room. "Enter!" a friendly voice called, and Lyra reluctantly opened the door to the headmaster's office, and entered.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Some brief notes: I don't know what classes they might take, so I make one up. ^-^ Any suggestions/flames welcome. Ta, all! ~Lily 


	4. Angst

Lyra laid her head on the soft, white pillow. What a day this had been! She had hoped that Dean Hannah would be able to help her, but with the alethiometer missing, it was going to have to wait.  
  
"Don't you think it's weird, Pan, that the alethiometer is suddenly missing? Do you think it's just a coincidence?"  
  
No response. She hadn't thought there would be.  
  
She swept a lock of her silky hair behind her ear, and continued, "Maybe it's fate. Maybe the angels don't want us to know what's wrong with us. I sure would like to."  
  
Pan moved his head slightly, tears streaming as always from his eyes.  
  
"Pan, why won't you talk to me? Tell me what to do?"  
  
He looked at her strangely. His eyes were filled with a question of some kind, what it was exactly Lyra could not tell.  
  
"Pan? Come on, Pan, you can tell me."  
  
He seemed to ponder this for a second. Suddenly his voice, raspy from disuse, broke the silence.  
  
"Lyra, you have to promise to do what I tell you."  
  
Lyra's silvery eyes, half closed with exhaustion, flew open. She barely breathed, could hardly keep herself from falling to the ground.  
  
"Oh, Pan..." she gasped out, and scrambled across the bed to him. "Pan, I'll do whatever will help you. I can't bear for you to be sad any longer."  
  
His next words came to her like a blow. Stunned, she sat up straight, banging her head rather loudly on the ceiling.  
  
"Pan! You can't be ser... do you mean it? Is she..."  
  
He nodded, and climbed off the bed slowly. Lyra followed, closing her eyes and praying to the angels that his words were not true.  
  
Reika opened the door slowly. "Lyra, you in here? I thought I heard something crash... Lyra! What are you... No!"  
  
Reika ran to the window, mere seconds too late. In horror, she watched the girl fall to the ground, watched her frail bones shatter, watched Pantalaimon bouncing after her...  
  
Falling to her knees, she asked heaven above what could do this...  
  
And the answer rang loud and true.  
  
"With the loss of Kivjara, those two could not stay long in this world..."  
  
Lyra's screams sounded still through the hallways.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Will flung himself up, wordless screams emanating from his mouth. Tears raced down his face, and he rocked himself back and forth. In his eyes, he could see Lyra falling, crashing, dying...  
  
And her tortured screams sunk into what was left of his tattered mentality. 


End file.
